Na-na -na na NA-na na na... BATGIRL!

Oh yeah... eat my shorts! ^_^

I'm justified... I'm not justified... I'm justified... I'm not justified....

DAMN YOU! DAMN ME!

Ok... so this is going to sound childlish and stupid, and you'll recognize most of it for self indulgance and stupid amounts of pity... so stop reading here if you ken what's good for you...

How can I hate them and love them at the same time? How can I be so damn incredibly unhappy all at once... how can they make me into a zombie and then show up at my work and make me cry in front of people that I respect DAMNIT and then make me feel incredibly bad for being as angry as I was... and then I get home to straighten it all out and am resolved to make it all better and then DAMNIT THEY WANT ME TO STOP DOING EVERYTHING THAT MAKES ME HAPPY! They want me to let go and give up on the only things holding me together at the moment. Why do they have this power over me?

I remember being a kid and listening to the problems of all the other kids and thinking "boy they're dumb... they're so totally not justified in that respect and they should listen to their parents...' ..... why can't I decide if I'm justifed or not? WHY AM I WORKED UP OVER SOMETHING SO DAMN STUPID!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

They're perfect. They couldn't be any better. Really. That's why I can't decide what I'm going to do.... In some things. I will do what they want and I'll give up even more so that they can feel better... but DAmnit I won't give that up right now.

I really am. I feel so guilty and yet not so guilty... And I want to thank you and tell you that I'm sorry. And I mean it. Sad as it may seem You're probably my best friend here in the states and I feel like I've hurt you.

I'm sorry. Please dinnae hate me.

I got boots and a camera for christmas! What did you get?

And I cannae spell. Go figure.

I noticed something today at work... when I get incredibly tired (1.) my body starts to shut down and I become a stumbling idiot, and (2.) My sense of humour warps into sommat I never want to see again. People would tell me jokes and I would just stare at them. Normaly I would laugh at almost anything that anyone threw at me, but today I even stared John down in the recieving area after he said a joke. I felt bad afterwards but was too tired to say anything...

I wasnae particularly mean but I did hit Damiano pretty hard. Felt bad for that. Felt good for that too... go figure.

Thus ends my eighth eight hour shift in a row at Barnes and Noble. That makes me a wizard or sommat right? (HA!) Terry Pratchet rocks.

WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA! - I need more sleep - But wouldnae it be ace to fly/levitate?


~Caledonia~

I dont know if you can see, the changes that have come over me
In these last few days, ive been afraid that i might drift away
And ive been tellin old stories, singing songs
That made me think about where i came from
Thats the reason why i seem so far away today.

CHORUS

Oh but let me tell you that i love you
And i think about you all the time
Caledonia your callin me and im goin home
But if i should become a stranger
You know that it would make me more than sad
Caledonia your everythin ive ever had.


Well ive been moved, and ive kept on movin
Proved the points that i needed proovin
Lost the friends i needed loosin
Found others on the way
And i have kissed the ladies and left them cryin
Stolen dreams theres no denying
Travelled hard with contience flyin
Somewhere with the wind

REPEAT CHORUS

Now im sitting here, beside the fire
The empty room the forest choir
Flames that couldnt get any higher
Theyve withered now there gone
But im steady thinking my way is clear,
And i know what i must do tomorrow
When the hands ive shaken and the flown i will dissapear.

REPEAT CHORUS

It was a good birthday, but I was really busy. My family and I went out and got a christmas tree. That entitles driving two hours up into the next county and then wandering around a tree lot carrying a saw for hours until finally everyone agrees that they don't really care which tree... then my dad has a bad back, my mom's not really into laying in the snow and the teenage boys are all throwing snowballs at each other on down the field.... so I get down in the snow (I had the saw anyway) and I saw us down a great big tree for the 11ft ceilings in the living room... then we drive the two hours back. I got a bunch of drawing stuff for my birthday and a bug puppet (which my grandmother confiscated about two minutes after I had it- what can I say? I'm really good with puppets and that bug was creeping her out *HA!* ) Ice cream cake, two hours of decorating the silly tree, and messing around with a story I'm making myself write....

all in all it was a good birthday... not the best I've had, but certainly not the worst. ^_^

and I have to say... for those of you who left the pub early last night... Ryan got so drunk that he fell out of his chair in slow motion and then spent a good half hour in the floor. .... just so you know and can take the piss if'n you want. ;)

I just had the very worst ending to a wonderful day. I was in a car accident on the way home, pitch dark on the palasades parkway... My car is fine... I'm fine... the other people from the other car are fine (sort of) but their car is totaled... And I had had such a good time at the pub too.

I had just left the thruway... about eight minutes on the parkway and this small VW comes racing around the bend and up behind me, they sped into the next lane and passed me... about five seconds later they hit the black ice that was covering every inch of the parkway right ahead of us. They apparently didnae ken what to do on ice (that being said neither did I really, but I figured it out pretty damn quick) and they started to skid out and spin. When I saw them spin I tried to make myself stop and then I started to spin. My truck spun in about four circles and then did a bunch of waving and I ended up stopped half on a hill and half not... but I was ok... I didnae see it since I was more concerned with my own car, but I heard the metal of the Vw crunching and once I was stopped I got to see the other car roll one more time and come to a stop, upsidown about fifty yards ahead of me... I drove my truck up close enough that my headlights were more helpful, turned on my blinkers, got my flashlight from the glove compartment and ran from my car to theirs... I tried to get my phone to work but the battery was dead of course.

Two girls maybe a little younger than me... Jenny and Kristy... There wasnae a spot on their car that didnae look dented... they were both wearing seatbelts, both strapped in upsidown, the driver was sobbing and panicing, the other one was unconscious... All the windows were broken so I went round to the passenger and crawled in underneath her so I could get a better look at what was wrong. She had a pulse and she didnae seem to be bleeding or anything... As I checked her out I talked to the sobbing one and got her to stop, then I helped her out of her seatbelt and got her out of the car... I gave her the task of calling the police and such, she had a phone and it worked...

I remember being cold in Nyack. I remember being cold in the car before the heater started to work... Kristy had fortunately rolled her father's car onto a peice of grass with a puddle of water next to the passnger side and only the top part was frozen. Me? I stepped in it several times. I was now cold, covered in snow, two wet shoes and wet trousers up to my knees from kneeling down... my hands and nose and knees and face and ears.... EVERYTHING was completely frozen. Kristy was shivering so violently she could barely talk (I think partly becuase of the shock) She wasnae wearing a coat, and I couldnae really get back into the car and get that other girl out (still unconcious) with my stupid coat on, so I gave it to her and crawled back into the car... My best luck was that the seatbelt of the other girl wouldn't come undone with her wieght in it... I took a trip to my car and was back again with my pocket knife... I cut the seatblet (which is MUCH harder to do than I would have suspected) and got squished... Once I had her layed out on the inside of the other car she started to come around... I helped her out and three of us went and sat in the heat of my car... a small, single cab bench... The police, and an ambulance came... I gave my phone number and address and all since I was kind of a witness even though I didnae really see anything... That car was so totaled and both girls said they slid on the ice...

The paramedics (god I hate paramedics) said that Jenny would be fine and that she most likely passed out from fright since she didnae feel dizzy or have any head pain... Both girls had bumps and bruises but nothing serious... thank god for seatbelts. I'm fine, my ribs hurt from having a girl slightly larger than me land on me, and my wrist is killing me but I dinnae remember hurting it. I drove home really slowly after that... really slowly.

Now I cannae sleep. And I'm still too damn cold!

I love who I am, and how I act in a crisis (or a fight ^_^) But god I hate my life right now. Thank you guys for a wonderful night in the pub. *really*

I get back from halloween hauntings on halloween and my mom goes..."oh you look dead... do something strange, actually, eat the kitten's brains and I'll get a photo... go on eat that cat's brains for me..." ....



I just found this picture. The costume had started to fall apart at that point since I had spent several hours in the graveyard here at Westpoint jumping out at small trick-or-treaters... my brother's costume was better... he was a dead confederate. ^_^

Ahhhh. Wrath of Khan. ^_^ Possibly the best movie I've seen in *forever* a long time. Wonderful take on Star Trek, Classic style, normal kirk-esque inner trauma, his gay legacy, they killed one of my favourite characters, and then they ended it by piping out the casket of a vulcan.... wait, you didnae hear? Here, lemme repeat that.... they played the bagpipes while they spaced Spock's casket! That's just ace and you cannae tell me that's not.

Anyway. I love Star Trek. I always get so wrapped up in it and then I always feel better. Actually, watching the couple of Star trek movies that I've watched the last couple of days has inspired me to pick up that old fan fic of mine. So I wrote a little bit, and you people will never see it. I dinnae post my fanfic here. ^_^ so there. You'd all just take the piss anyway. *love you*

HOWEVER>>>> in case you were interested in reading sommat I wrote I'll post a little of a piece I'm writing at the moment. Slightly morbid, and a little (ok a lot) artsy/avant. Dinnae read it if you're not interested. ^_^

"Deathe" -Dani M.
- Everyone dies. It's a fact of life... or a tragedy, or even a fitting ending to existence, but no matter how you look at death, it all results in the same thing. People who are dead move on, and those who are left behind will grieve and whine, wishing that the deceased could come back... crying out at the unfairness of it all and the heartlessness of whoever's in charge. - That being said, I've been working here for a almost a mortal year and I've still not met the head hauncho... if there even is one. I'm the sixth human to take this job. It goes to people who deserve it, and lasts however long they wish it to. No benefits, no time to yourself, no time off at all, no support staff, no contact with the living human world, the only perk is a kind of immortality plus one thing you've always wanted. My personal perk? .... I guess you never really get the things you want.

I havenae seen my mother this happy in quite a while. She's had a lot of stuff to deal with in the last bunch of years, and this year (for the first time in 7 years) she's got all her family around her for thanksgiving. And she's been cooking and singing to herself and randomly hugging all of us for the last three days. An extra leaf in the table, all the good dishes came out, 25 pounds of roasting fowl, four cats begging for a peice, three brothers, two grandparents, one sister, one brother's supermodel looking girlfriend, nine pies, icecream, chocolate candies, and two hours of dishes later my first thanksgiving in 7 years is over and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. ^_^ I think my mom did too.

My little sister is officially cancer free and cured yesterday. *dances*

I havenae heard anything from you Scotland and England people in a long while... please? Dinnae forget me. I miss you people damn near every hour of every day...

The smallest kitty in the house (luci-fur) Had surgery the other day and she's just been sitting around the house sleeping. It's very un-like her... I think they drugged her too much. As I type this she's making my lap all too warm. I think that's the only reason I'm still sitting here.

I love my family and heaven knows I dinnae mind my mother trying to feed me all the time.... but I really miss having my own place. really really really really really really really miss it.

Hope everyone who reads this had a wonderful thanksgiving ^_^ .

I was so tired the other day. One hour of bad sleep and then an 8 hour shift... tried to stay awake after I got home so that I could see my sister and my Mother when they got in, but fell asleap on the sofa... Going out that night was worth it though ^_^

Now... Abraham Lincoln says that you can only be as happy as you want to be. ... ... I believe him.

Go away you morons! People live here! How long and how many people does it take to re-side a three story house? I mean really! They've been working on my parents' house for the last two months! They're out there right now... at least 5 of them, three of them with hammers and they're all hitting the house... all the pictures on my bedroom wall have leapt to their doom to escape the incessant pounding... I'll never tap on a fish tank front again. I swear.

I have a headache.

Some of you update your live-journals at an insane rate.

I wrote a ten minute play yesterday in hopes of making myself feel a little better, but that play will never see the light of day again. Then I tried to make a puppet *sommat that I used to do to cheer up*. I now have a punk sheep puppet with more character than a christmas tree... I then sat myself down and drew a picture, threw that one away and then drew another better one. I think I might let Jerry put it up in the cafe where I work next month.... in fact I think I might change my avatar to a clip of it...

I still have a headache... if I still have a headache in about an hour I'm gonnae take my brother's blacksmithing tools and create a pile of dead construction workers in the basement..... ..... ... ..... .... either that or I'll take a sketchbook and go sit in my truck somewhere else.

You know, about two weeks before I moved back here, one of my actors from one of my plays in scotland told me that he couldnae believe how stressless I was. I asked him what he meant and he said that it seemed like nothing phased me, but that was probably because I was living it easy... I looked at him and replied with my (at the time) current list of personal tragedies, including broken arm in two places, personal debt, guild ridden mother who wanted me closer, and a younger sister with 4th degree cancer. He looked back at me and with a nod he said 'Ok so you're not the stressed type, you're the ulcer developing type.' ... I ignored this, made him get into his costume and continued on with the play practice...

But you know... Now that I think back on it, he's right... I'm one of those people who lies to themselves all the time. I'm a liar and I lie to the one person I trust... Me.

Long story short, I've been living here in New York for oh, almost four months now. I moved here from Scotland where I had a job, friends, a boyfriend (not a good one, but all the same), a flat, a dog, a life, and the respect of the Scottish playwrights commisioning board as a new up and comming C.Playwright... My sister got cancer, I broke my arm being stupid, my mom felt bad due to the fact that I used to be a sickly person, she asked me to move here and I did.... I told myself that I was happy and I believed it (I'm not only a liar, I'm a good one.)

The other night (last sunday) I went out drinking with my workmates (no I didnae drink, to those of you who are now gasping in shock and worry) and I expected to have a good time... I didnae expect to have a Fucking great time. It made me realize just how unhappy I was/am. I ripped up all my roots, I dinnae have any friends, I dinnae have anyplace to be except Barnes and Noble, and so that's why after a horrible day at work I'm going to return to the store at midnight and go out drinking with them all again... Let's see if they make it to the pub.

---that being said, I leave to clean out my car and try to find my mobile phone.

Neither of my younger brothers had school today, and for a change I actually had nothing to do! It was strange. I cannae tell people how nice it is that my Mum has a car again. About three weeks ago my Mum and Dad were in a really bad car accident over in Massachusits (or however it's spelled) and they were a little bruised up and all, but they were both completely ok. After that they had been stuck in Maine for a week till they could get back here. I became the family taxi to my two younger brothers who I was watching for that week, and then when my parents got back then there were only two cars between three people with full time jobs... and being the 'child' in that equation I lost the game and ended up the one to go all the places and take everyone else all the other places... and now? .... now the insurance company has come through and my Mum has a car (the exact same year and model as her old car... go figure) and now I'm finding that I have personal time again... and it's ringing all too true how very pathetic my life is right now. *sobstory one-o-one*

I actually had a good day today... good and bad. It started this morning with me waking up in a bad mood (one of my friends had tired to kill me in a dream - that upsets me) to the lovely sound of hammers on the outside wall of my room. Normaly I would put such noises down to the natural workings of younger brothers, but I'm on the third floor of my parents' house and so I woke up confused and in a bad mood. When I opened the window I came face to face with a total stranger on a scaffold with a hammer. Turns out that they had an order from the west point council commision to fix the wall and roof and replace the siding (the ceiling in my room fell in on me two or so weeks ago when the rain tried to drown New York - I swear I left Scotland and the weather followed me). At that point my bad mood just got worse. Neither of my brothers had school today, but one was out with his supermodel girlfriend (she makes me feel so ------ blah.) and the other one was waiting in the family room with two tennis raquets and a set of tennis balls. He had seen on the calender that I wasnae working and he decided that I was gonnae go and play a game of tennis with him. I had nothing better to do. Needless to say he's not the very best of tennis players and I was mildly tired.... I ended up taking a tennis ball to the left ear and a raquet to the shins when he got irritated. I still kicked his tennis arse, and the ringing in my ear for the rest of the day was worth it! Then at work I was at the tills for most of the shift (nice change from Kids) but they kept sending me back to kids and Dami was in a baaaaad mood. Manager accidentally insulted me, customer called me an idiot, bathrooms out of soap, christmas changover in it's midst...I still had a good day. And Dami's mood went from very bad to just plain crazy.... I think I prefered him mad.

Now I'm sitting in the living room with the usual insomnia, my normal state lately, with a bag of candy and some family guy on the tv.  I miss Scotland.

I'm feeling a little lazy today... ok so I'm feeling a LOT lazy. I worked noon till 8pm at work today and now I'm sitting in a chair with the laptop on my lap and the tv playing in the background. When did my life dissapear? And now glancing up at the tv I see the pope attacking a man in a bird suit and I wonder what the heck I'm watching... answer: I dinnae ken. *zombie guards! Sieze him!*

 speaking of zombies... that's what I was for halloween. Yes those of you in Scotland can all sigh and shake your heads, because only you can ken how sad and pathetic that is.... When my Mum was little she always wanted to grow up to be an alligator. Why? Well it's becuase the only thing that really scared her was alligators, and so she thought that if she was an alligator then she wouldnae be scared of them anymore... well the only thing that really scares me is zombies. O.o . I ken they're not real and that there's no such thing an all, but it doesnae matter. Sommat about zombies scares me silly and so I've always thought that if I was a zombie then I wouldnae be scared of them anymore... so happy halloween, I was zombie Keppit.

I need to figure out how to put pictures in here and make this silly thing look a little better... that way you all can see the shoddy make-up job I did for my zombie costume.

I think the best part about that night was jumping out from behind the officer tombstones at the shorties as they trick-or-treated, but the second best part was my Mum's reaction when I came in the house... she says to me "Ohh, Danielle, you look, um.... Here let me get the camera, you pretend to eat something's brains, here have your sister's cat *hands me the cat* go on, eat it's brains and I'll get a picture." HA! My Mum's cool. and Halloween is my favourite holiday.

This is the first entry and I'll warn you now that I can neither spell nor complete coherent thoughts half the time... also there will be 'scottish-isims' since I type to darn fast for my own good and I have a tendency to think in 'scottish-isims'. *shrug*

I hate journal thingies. I'm a closed person, I dinnae like others knowing things about me that they shouldnae so dinane expect too many personal personal revelations. The real reason for me doing this is because no less than five people (c'mon I'm not that popular) have asked me if I have one of these silly things. Up till now the answer has been no, but I think you ken the answer now.

Now? Now I'm tired and I have a headache, I think I shall away myself to bed with a good book and an annoying alarm clock, ready to wake up and start the next day anew... which is a bold faced lie.

~Dani